Monday, April 11, 2011

Events in my life that led me to where I am now

Getting the name TothianMy whole life, the name "Tothian" was in my head. I couldn't say it, I couldn't think directly of it, but I knew it. The best way I could describe it to you was, it's like that song you hear one day, and then later on, you are thinking of it, but can't remember anything about it, but still you remember it, remember hearing it and everything. But for some reason it's like at the tip of your tongue. You could almost say it. That's how it was for me for years of my life, until the name just came to me one day, and I instantly knew that that was it, and saw who I was meant to be.

Why I have a passion for protecting people
Growing up, I had parents who were really good parents, and a father who while was a really good father, also had a very angry violent side to him, but, wasn't entirely his fault. When he grew up, his father was a violent alcoholic. Me growing up, my father who had previously fought in the Vietnam War as a U.S. Marine and to some level had PTSD, was very angry and did hit me and my brother a lot when we were young. And my brother who went through the same stuff I went through, introduced me to the idea of super-heroes at an early age. All that did was create this uncontrollable passion within me for wanting to protect people. When I see someone - anyone - getting attacked, I get flashbacks of my early childhood and without thinking I immediately react without thought or hesitation to protect people. I can be but I'm not always the nicest person in the world - in fact, I can be the meanest person anyone has ever met. But I do mean well. I have to protect people, that's the primary thing I care about doing in life. I don't wan't people to suffer the way I did. I feel like a machine that's automatically made to act as necessary in any given situation.

Why I'm known as a mean person
One of my fears is becoming the very evil I hate most in this world. And that's two-faced people. I can understand and sometimes respect people being rude to me, because it establishes this foundation of truth and honesty, and from there it makes it easier to make peace from there. But, people who are rude and honest, I find it refreshing. I know where their motivations lie and feel like I can trust them more. I hate to say to trust me but one thing you can trust me to do is, if I don't like you or if I have a problem with you, I'll let you know - unless you ignore me or block me from contacting you. Otherwise, one thing I'll never do for anyone no matter how much they mean to me is pretend to like anyone that I don't like. So if I ever say anything nice to anyone, know that it's genuine. If I ever say anything mean to you, take it for what it's worth, which is usually worth it's weight in gold in humor & honesty, a rare trait you won't find often, that might actually help you and teach you a valuable life lesson. I'd rather people hate me before they like me, because I feel like the best way to truly understand and appreciate someone is to see their worst sides first, and accept them for who they are. If not accepted, then oh well. At least you know you're more like to see who your real friends are in the world.